A Grief Workbook For Skeptics (Carol Fiore)
OVERVIEW
Book review #29 and yet this is the first book that has dealt entirely with grief from a secular perspective. “A Grief Workbook for Skeptics: Surviving Loss Without Religion” was written by Carol Fiore as a guide for atheists and other nonbelievers navigating grief. Fiore is not a medical expert; not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or counsellor; she’s just an atheist who lost her husband and felt there weren’t any secular grief resources available.
This slim volume really is a workbook, with exercises and space to record your thoughts. It covers topics like:
· how long will grief last?
· how do I help my kids manage their grief?
· how do I respond to religious expressions of sympathy from others?
· should I move? change my job? take time off? go on a vacation? get a pet?
· what do I do with my loved one’s belongings?
Fiore calls it out, and I second the recommendation, to join the Facebook group Grief Beyond Belief, a secular support group for grieving atheists. Fiore also reminds us that as atheists we can take some solace in knowing that death is not a punishment or penance for any misdeed. This tragedy didn’t happen for a “reason,” or for us to learn something from it, and it’s not part of any “plan.”
WHAT NOW? (actions for mortal atheists)
Advice I found helpful:
· Don’t suppress or ignore pain. Confront it and give yourself permission to feel your grief. Don’t put any restrictions on it.
· Accept that things will never go back to “normal.” Life will never be the same and you will never be the same. Grief is about death but it’s also about rediscovery.
· Expect grief to be dynamic. One day you may sleep all day and the next you may feel okay, and then you’re back to feeling sad and overwhelmed.
· It’s normal to lose interest in activities you used to enjoy. It’s normal to lose energy and motivation and sleep. Depression is often part of grief. Fiore says “grief is not a disease requiring pills,” but acknowledges that working with a Psychiatrist is wise.
· Going back to work will be hard. Sending your kids back to school will be hard. Holidays and anniversaries will be especially hard. It’s normal for these things to be painful. There’s no perfect way to manage the awkwardness with co-workers, no perfect way to decide whether to keep old holiday traditions or start new ones, there’s just whatever works for you.
· Things that may help include exercising, getting out in nature, trying out a new hobby, writing letters to your loved on, creating a memory capsule/finding a way to honour your loved one, watching movies, volunteering. Anything that helps, do it. If nothing helps, that’s okay too.
· Don’t search for “closure” to grief. Fiore says “I’m sorry to be the one to say this, my friend, but you may hurt forever. The pain will subside with time, and you’ll find you can go for longer periods without thinking about the loved one you lost. But the pain may always be there, lurking in the background, a dull ache.” So don’t set unrealistic expectations. Let grief unfold however it needs to.
IN SUM:
Is this book entirely secular? Yes
If you had to describe the book in one sentence? A grief workbook for skeptics!
Who should read this book? Grieving atheists (but also anyone; secular advice is universal advice)