A Matter Of Death And Life (Irvin and Marilyn Yalom)
OVERVIEW
Irvin Yalom is an existential psychotherapist, and his wife, Marilyn Yalom, was an acclaimed feminist author. At the age of 86, Marilyn was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, and she and Irv decided to jointly write “A Matter Of Death And Life,” a way to illuminate how couples might face a fatal illness together.
I can’t emphasize enough how singular this book is. You have two accomplished writers (one of whom has made a professional career out of studying death anxiety) writing parallel accounts of Marilyn’s terminal illness – how Marilyn deals with letting go of her life, how Irv anticipates letting go of Marilyn; what it’s like to hear your wife ask her oncologist about physician-assisted dying, and what it’s like to be the one asking. Two old people in the final dance of life, as Marilyn says. The chapters volley back and forth until Marilyn’s death, at which point Irv continues the narrative, dedicating several chapters to his grief and what it’s like to live as a separate adult after more than 70 years. Irv also begins re-reading his previous books, reflecting on the guidance he once gave to his patients about coping with loss and grief, and how it resonates for him now.
This book was incredible and, I’m convinced, entirely one-of-a-kind. The dual perspective on dying was deeply insightful (especially when Marilyn and Irv read each other’s chapters and reflected on them), as were the conversations about physician-assisted dying, quality vs. quantity of life, and the inadequateness of memory. This book is about death, but it’s mostly about love. It’s also about loneliness, grief, and the preciousness of life, about growing old together and then growing on alone. It closes with a letter Irv writes to Marilyn… how much he misses her, and how much of his life he lost when he lost her. “A Matter Of Death And Life” is heartbreaking, but it’s also a testament to a lifetime of shared love and happiness, one filled with joy and absent of regret.
Still, even if I am not afraid of death itself, I feel the continued sadness of separating from my loved ones. For all the philosophical treatises and for all the assurances of the medical profession, there is no cure for the simple fact that we must leave each other – Marilyn Yalom
WHAT NOW? (actions for mortal atheists)
“Bask in the realness right now, now while it’s still real”
There are some incredible passages in this book, and one that resonates most strongly is on the strangeness of memory. Irv, 87, reflects on the multitudes of people in his life who have died, and especially those for whom the only living memory now resides in him. He contemplates the bizarreness of those friends and family existing only as “flickering impulses” in his nervous system. In sharing these feelings with a patient who is experiencing the same loneliness, the same feeling of insubstantiality, the patient suggests that they should both “bask in the realness right now, now while it’s still real.” While memoirs are never really meant to be filled with advice, this is a salient piece of wisdom. In time, this present moment will exist only in memory. Truly, the entirety of your past and those you have lost exist only as “flickering impulses” in your nervous system – transient, ephemeral, and obliterated forever by death. Perhaps the only way to ease the pain of this realization is to ensure the moments we live we actually live. Irv underscores here, as he does in previous books like “Staring At The Sun,” that the best way to ameliorate death anxiety is to live your life well. Surely, part of this is to “bask in the realness right now, now while it’s still real.”
IN SUM:
Is this book entirely secular? No. Though Irv and Marilyn are atheists (culturally Jewish), there are several passages from religious texts, references to prayer, etc.
If I had to describe the book in one sentence? Two professional writers, married for 65 years, chronicle how they faced death together.
Who should read this book? Everyone who loves someone.