The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die (John Izzo)
OVERVIEW
In his early 20s, John Izzo’s profession brought him into the lives of many dying patients. Sitting by their bedsides, he observed something: we don’t all die the same. Some die satisfied and with a sense of contentment and completeness. Others die bitter, full of regret. Izzo wanted to understand why. Why do some of us live well and die happy while others don’t? He approached the question systematically, asking 15,000 Americans and Canadians to send him a list of wise people they knew, elders who had lived a long life and had “something important to teach us about living.” He received a list of 1,000 names, which he whittled down to just over 200. And then, he interviewed them all.
He turned his findings into this book: The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die.
The five secrets:
1. Be true to yourself – Live authentically. Know what matters to you and then live your life according to your values, with discipline and intention. Constantly ask yourself these three questions: 1) Am I being true to myself? 2) Am I the person I want to be? And 3) Am I focusing my life on the things that matter to me? Otherwise, you’ll find yourself on your deathbed feeling like you never lived a life that was truly yours.
2. Leave no regrets – You’ve heard it before, that we don’t fear death as much as we fear the unlived life. To live with no regrets, you must have courage – accept that there will be disappointments and failures, but be brave and bold anyway. Take risks. And while it’s true we can’t know how things will turn out, it’s important to move toward the things you want instead of away from the things you fear. Don’t come to your deathbed full of “I wish I had”s.
(For a full playbook on how to live this secret, check out Daniel Pink’s The Power of Regret)
3. Become love – Deep personal relationships make us happy. Be affectionate and caring. Be kind. Make loving relationships a priority. We have almost no control over our emotions, but think of love not as a feeling but as an action. Be a loving person. Make the choice to love. At the end of our lives, we want to know that we loved and were loved well.
4. Live in the moment – “It all goes by so fast.” This was one of the most common refrains from Izzo’s elders. Their advice? Don’t let a day go by unappreciated. Savour your moments. Have gratitude. Do things whole-heartedly. Because if you’re not careful, you’ll find yourself forever simply getting through things on your way to do other things, never really being present for anything. (This reminds me of Stephen King’s quote in Insomnia: “Each thing I do I rush through so I can do something else.”). Slow down. Smell the roses. Make sure you are showing up for your life.
5. Give more than you take – Happy people are givers, not takers. The belief that we have made the world a better place, that we leave behind something positive, that we are contributing to something bigger than ourselves, is the cornerstone of legacy. In accessing this small kind of immortality, we can see that our lives create ripples, that the imprint of our living outlives us (a very effective defense against death anxiety and an important ingredient for meaning). So, while the first secret is about finding yourself, the last secret is about losing yourself in the service of others. This last secret makes our lives feel worthwhile and connects us to a future beyond our deaths.
“The most beautiful gift I can share with you as a reader is to tell you that, of these 230 people, fewer than you could count on one hand expressed any fear about dying. Almost all of them had integrated the awareness of death into life. What I discovered is that when we live wisely, we do not fear death. If we live the five secrets found in this book, we will not be afraid to die. It is only when we have not lived wisely, when we have not lived by the secrets, do we have anything to fear.”
What this reminds us is that existential anxiety is not just about death – it’s also about the fear of regret, the fear of isolation, and the fear of the unlived life. For Izzo, the most important discovery is that living wisely and with intention is an antidote to fear of death. It’s true that we mostly die as we lived. If we live a life of authenticity, bravery, love, gratitude, and goodness, Izzo thinks we can die happy rather than afraid.
(okay, maybe still a little afraid, but we’ll take what we can get).
It doesn’t matter when you discover the secrets, only that you do. And in this, the old Chinese proverb applies: “The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, but the second best time is today.”
WHAT NOW? (actions for mortal atheists)
Make a 6-month bucket list
If you had only 6 months left to live, 6 months exactly, what five things would you feel you must do/accomplish before the end? Go ahead, write them down. Now ask yourself: if these are the most important things I need to do, aren’t they important enough to do now? Regardless of how much time is left, these should be your priorities.
If you liked The Five Secrets, try Kubler-Ross and Kessler’s Life Lessons and Frank Ostaseski’s The Five Invitations next.
IN SUM:
Is this book entirely secular? No (mentions of God, destiny, “energy,” the universe sending you signs/messages, prayers, NDEs, etc.).
If I had to describe the book in one sentence? 5 wise things elders want you to know about living well so you can die happy.
Who should read this book? Those interested in collated advice from people (mostly) at peace with death.