The Power of Regret (Daniel H. Pink)
OVERVIEW
Do you live by the motto “No regrets!”? Baloney, says Daniel Pink. Regret is one of the most ubiquitous emotions, second only to love. Regret is deeply human – it’s not an emotion we can avoid or excise, and there are positive aspects. Regret can improve our decision-making and boost performance. It can prompt us to make important changes, and it can deepen meaning. In short, regret makes us human, and regret makes us better.
Prior to “The Power of Regret,” there hadn’t been much progress in categorizing regrets; they were put into buckets like “family,” “education,” or “career,” but these classifications didn’t seem terribly illuminating to Pink. Consider these two regrets: 1) Mark wanted to go to medical school, but he chose to party instead of study, bombed his MCAT, and didn’t have the grades to get in. 2) Jessica was a gifted writer and all her college professors encouraged her to pursue a graduate degree in fine arts; she worried she wouldn’t be good enough, so instead she chose to leave school and get a job. Both Mark and Jessica have “education regrets,” but are they really that similar? Mark’s regret stems from not applying himself, while Jessica’s stems from not taking a leap of faith.
To dive deeper, Pink launched the World Regret Survey, and stories of regret poured in from all over the world. At the time of writing “The Power of Regret,” Pink had received 16,000 responses from more than 100 countries. He examined these stories with fresh eyes and discovered underlying patterns. On the surface, a regret may look like it’s related to family, or finance, or health, but underneath there were four core types: foundation regrets, boldness regrets, moral regrets, and connection regrets.
Here's what they look like, what they sound like, and what they can teach us.
Foundation regrets
What they look like: We fail to be responsible; we aren’t conscientious or prudent. We choose short-term gains over long-term goals. We spend frivolously. We drink instead of studying. We apply minimal effort at the office or at home. We don’t take care of our physical health. We don’t plan ahead or work hard enough. We don’t follow through.
What they sound like: “If only I’d done the work.”
What they teach us: Humans need stability – a sturdy infrastructure of education, finances, and physical well-being.
Advice: Plan for the future. Work hard. Persevere. Start now.
Boldness regrets
What they look like: We play it safe instead of taking a chance. Boldness regrets build up over time, or they happen in a single moment. We’re too shy. We choose not to be brave. We cower instead of having courage.
What they sound like: “If only I’d taken the risk.”
What they teach us: Humans need growth – to expand as a person and to feel enriched. The research also shows that people more regret the risks they didn’t take than the ones they did.
Advice: Be brave. Start that business. Ask her out. Take that trip, that chance, that leap.
Moral regrets
What they look like: We behave immorally or compromise our values and principles. We harm someone. We lie, we cheat. We choose not to step in, to right a wrong. We break someone’s trust. We’re disloyal or disrespectful.
What they sound like: “If only I’d done the right thing.”
What they teach us: Humans need goodness – we want to do the right thing. We want to be good people who live according to our values, who make and honour our moral commitments. Like Aristotle said, it’s not enough to feel good, we want to be and do good.
Advice: Do the right thing. Step in. Be just. Live with integrity and live according to your values.
Connection regrets
What they look like: We regret not making or maintaining a connection. We fail at some important relationship. We don’t show up. We lose touch. We don’t apologize when we should. We let important things go unsaid because we’re afraid it will be awkward.
What they sound like: “If only I’d reached out.”
What they teach us: Humans need love – we need belonging. Close relationships, more than anything else, are what keep people happy. Meaningful connections give life significance – they enrich and satisfy at our most fundamental level.
Advice: Do better next time. Reach out. Make that call or that visit. Tell them how you feel. Push past your awkwardness and risk of rejection. Tomorrow may be too late.
We can use regret, and our knowledge of the four core regrets, to lead a more fulfilling life. We can learn to anticipate regret and make wiser choices. We come to realize that what we need is a solid foundation, a little boldness, principled morality, and meaningful connections. “The negative emotion of regret reveals the positive path for living.” What you regret the most is also what you value the most. Regret can be our wisest teacher.
Past regrets
We can use regret to illuminate the path to our most fulfilling lives, but what tools should we use to take the deep ache out of regrets already passed?
If your regret stems from an action you took, then try to make amends. Fix the mistake, make the apology, make a change, etc. If you can’t fix it, reframe your perspective. Instead of dwelling on the “if only,” consider the “at least.” Pink says “at-leasting” a past mistake doesn’t change anything, but it does help you reassess and realign.
If your regret stems from inaction (which the vast majority do), Pink offers a three-step process: Step one is to reflect on the regret, to relive it so you can release it; maybe write down your thoughts, or talk it out loud to yourself. Step two is to normalize and neutralize: extend warmth and kindness to yourself, the same way you would for someone else. You’re imperfect and you make mistakes – that’s okay, everybody does. Are you really the only person who’s ever screwed up in this way? Does this regret really define your life, or is it just one moment? The last step is to analyze and strategize: examine the regret dispassionately. How will you feel about this regret in 10 years? What advice would you give a friend with this same regret?
In short
We can’t avoid making mistakes. It’s impossible to “live without regret.” And we shouldn’t pretend that every decision we’ve ever made was the right one, because then how would we improve? The middling strategy is to accept that regret will happen, but also to use this emotion to make wiser choices – to be diligent, to be bold, to be kind, and to be loving. Turn over regret, and we reveal what really matters to us. The things we regret the most are the things we value the most: stability, growth, goodness, and love. Knowing this won’t prevent you from making mistakes, and it won’t erase past mistakes, but it can help you optimize regret.
WHAT NOW? (actions for mortal atheists)
Anticipate the four core regrets
One salient piece of advice is to always be scanning for potential core regrets. If you need to make a decision that doesn’t risk falling into any of the four categories, make up your mind and move on. If it does, be a little more considered in your actions. Project yourself into the future. Ask: what action today will I be contented with tomorrow? “From that future vantage point, ask yourself which choice will help you build your foundation, take a sensible risk, do the right thing, or maintain a meaningful connection. Anticipate these regrets. Then choose the option that most reduces them.”
IN SUM:
Is this book entirely secular? No (some of the regrets have a religious flavour)
If I had to describe the book in one sentence? There are four core regrets – they make us human and they make us better.
Who should read this book? Those who live by the mantra “No regrets!” and those equally hung up on past mistakes.