Transcending Self-Interest (Wayment and Bauer)
OVERVIEW
I came to “Transcending Self-Interest: Psychological Explorations of the Quiet Ego” via Sheldon Solomon, a death anxiety researcher and one of the founders of Terror Management Theory. In my interview with Sheldon, I asked him to elaborate on a comment he’d made elsewhere, which is that gratitude and humility help buffer death anxiety. He responded:
As you noted, gratitude (giving thanks) and humility (giving praise) are superior to self-esteem as existential anxiety buffers because they are aspirational rather than zero-sum efforts to be better than others. Specifically, asking people to think about something they are grateful for or to be humble (not self-deprecating) diminishes or eliminates defensive reactions to mortality salience.
He then linked to some published articles of interest, which gave a name to this quality of transcending excessive self-concern: the quiet ego. According to Terror Management Theory, it’s the noisy ego response that usually comes out when death anxiety bubbles up – we pump up our self-esteem; we may become egotistical and prideful. A noisy ego is one concerned with self-enhancement and self-importance – with making ourselves feel good and with putting others down. What’s offered here is that a quiet ego response is a superior tactic to managing existential worry, one that lessens our negative, egotistic responses to mortality reminders (plus, it’s the ego response that doesn’t make you look like a pompous jerk).
A quick review of TMT
Terror Management Theory posits that we control our death anxiety in two ways: 1) cultural worldview buffers – we construct cultural belief systems to imbue the world with meaning and provide a way to achieve significance and symbolic immortality; and 2) self-esteem buffers – we are protected from death anxiety to the extent that we believe we are fulfilling the “individually internalized standards of value, norms, and social roles derived from the culture.” Terror Management Theory predicts, then, that when given mortality primes (simply reminding someone they will die, or interviewing them by a cemetery), people will cling more tightly to their cultural worldviews and amplify their self-image. Indeed, that’s what happens. Remind someone that they’re going to die and they’re more likely to display in-group/out-group thinking, discrimination, and xenophobia. They’re also more likely to do things that give them self-esteem boosts, like tanning, shopping, or working out. This is how mortality and the noisy ego are connected – many of the behaviours we associate with a noisy ego – narcissism, exaggerated self-worth, belittling others, imposing our values, responding aggressively to personal/social/cultural identity threats – are exactly the defensive behaviours we display when reminded of our mortality. Our general response to death anxiety is a noisy ego response.
This is not to say that the noisy ego is always bad, only that our over-reliance on it and lack of self-awareness is maladaptive in many situations. So, if a noisy ego is self-centered and defensive, what is a quiet ego?
The quiet ego
A quiet ego has four key features. The first is non-defensive awareness, which might be considered mindfulness – the ability to take the perspective of other people, to approach new situations with a sense of discovery, and not to aggressively defend one’s self-image when it comes under attack. The quiet ego response is “a less defensive interpretation of the self and others in the present moment,” a movement toward self-awareness and away from self-justification. The second feature is interdependence – where the noisy ego is excessively concerned with the self, the quiet ego is more aware of its connection to others and the interrelated place it occupies in social and cultural structures; the quiet ego can see the underlying/unifying aspects of humanity. The third feature is compassion – an emotional stance rooted in acceptance, empathy, and a desire for the well-being of self and others. And the last feature is growth-orientation – “humanistic or prosocial” development over time. Like non-defensive awareness, growth-orientation makes space for perspective-taking, being able to loosen the grip on the self and incorporate new ideas and approaches.
From here, it’s clear why a quiet ego is necessary for qualities like humility – the ability to acknowledge mistakes, imperfections, and limitations – or for qualities like forgiveness, wisdom, and tolerance. A noisy ego is self-aggrandizing, and so is threatened by perceptions of vulnerability and inferiority in ways a quiet ego is not. A quiet ego restrains us in adopting judgmental attitudes; it helps us be open to information that conflicts with our existing perceptions of ourselves and the world. A quiet ego, according to some researchers, is also the only ego type that allows us to be authentic. If your primary concern is with protecting and enhancing your fragile sense of worth, then how could you ever perceive or act authentically? The noisy ego is not self-aware, it relies on distortion, it defends and reinterprets and rationalizes events to fit a pre-existing self-concept. It forces us to reject information that threatens our sense of self, but also to over-emphasize information that enhances our sense of self. Only a quiet ego can be objective and growth-oriented. Only a quiet ego can be humble and genuine.
But how can a quiet ego help us manage death anxiety? We’ve seen how the noisy ego does it (by constantly reassuring us that we are special and important), but what is the quiet ego response?
The quiet ego and mortality awareness
Like Sheldon alluded to, those who exhibit quiet ego traits (like gratitude and humility) are less agitated by death reminders (meaning: they are less likely to reactively defend their self-image or cultural worldviews when death is on the fringes of consciousness). While the research is still limited, there are a handful of articles (in this compilation and elsewhere) that explore how quiet ego traits like humility and spiritual transcendence act as existential anxiety buffers, lessening our fear of death and therefore lessening our defensive reactions to death reminders. So, if you’d like to mitigate your fear of death, work toward a quieter ego.
But why does a quiet ego make us less defensive, more peaceful? “Transcending Self-Interest” does not explore the why in detail, but I’m prepared to extrapolate. To me, the quiet ego features of mindfulness and interdependence are the most salient clues. It seems apparent that interdependence would mitigate the fear of death, and mindfulness would mitigate the defensiveness.
Interdependence – addressing fear
The noisy ego is concerned with our identity as individuals, as unique and independent agents that are distinguished in some way from other people. But this is just one aspect of our self-identity. Psychologists and researchers recognize at least three other identity concepts that we incorporate. The first of the three is our social identity, the role we play in relationships, which may add the layer of mother, daughter, brother, son, or friend to our self-concept. The second is our collective identity, defined by the memberships we incorporate… that of our race, nationality, religion, political group, or even sports team. But the third identity, the one perhaps most associated with a quieter ego, is the allo-inclusive identity. The allo-inclusive identity is the collective identity writ large – it includes the kinship you might feel with humanity, with the universe or with all living things (if you’re religious, it might include God). Our allo-inclusive identity is our feeling part of a larger whole, a oneness with other things (what we might call spirituality). Those with prominent allo-inclusive identities will more often respond “yes” to questions like “my personal existence is very purposeful and meaningful,” “I am aware of a connection between myself and all living things,” and “I feel a sense of responsibility and belonging to the universe.” The social, collective, and allo-inclusive identities are more associated with a quiet ego and represent varying degrees of self-transcendence, an expanded sense of “you” that pushes beyond the boundaries of your skin. If it is the individual self that dies, wouldn’t possessing an identity that focuses more on your interconnectedness to all life provide a greater assurance of immortality? If much of what you consider to be “you” lives outside your mortal body, then you are more immune to death. The quiet ego is more self-transcendent, and so it logically follows that the quiet ego is less threatened by death of the self (and if you expand your in-group to include the entire universe and natural world, what out-group could ever threaten your worldview?). Here is where I believe self-transcendence and secular spirituality converge to lessen the fear of dying.
Mindfulness – addressing defensiveness
A broadened and more interdependent sense of self needs less defending at baseline. If your entire sense of self-worth and identity is dependent on the positive social perception of your fragile flesh house, then the stakes are high. But the more diffused and integrated your sense of self and self-worth becomes, the harder it is to land a blow on your self-esteem. But aside from interdependence, mindfulness also mitigates negative reactions to death reminders. Mindfulness is a detached and dispassionate moment-to-moment processing, the quiet ego feature of non-defensive awareness. If a quiet ego includes mindful awareness, then a quiet ego is one less prone to emotional reactivity in response to threat. When someone misjudges your age, when your friends laugh at your new haircut, or when a colleague criticizes you in front of your boss, remaining mindful means holding emotions and feelings in check, responding with more equanimity. Of course, the Buddhists have long known that mindfulness lets us perceive the insubstantiality of the “self” more clearly too, and so the whole thing may be a positive feedback loop. Further, mindfulness helps us remain equanimous in the presence of all anxiety, not just the anxiety created by perceived identity threats – mindfulness is a balm to death anxiety as well. The non-defensive awareness of the quiet ego allows us to better manage our anxiety and loosen the grip on our identity investment. To cling less tightly to the concept of “self” reduces our need to defend the self. Like interdependence, mindfulness reduces defensiveness and in-group/out-group thinking.
Death is frightening and mostly we deal with that terror by building up our self-esteem and clinging to our worldviews. Fear of death makes our egos noisy. But if we can quiet our egos, if we can focus more on interdependence, mindfulness, and compassion, if we can adopt growth-oriented mindsets, then we can find comfort in our current situation. And if we can quiet our egos, we can be more at peace with our mortality.
WHAT NOW? (actions for mortal atheists)
Flex your quiet ego muscle
In many of our cultures, the noisy ego predominates. That’s not always a bad thing – a noisy ego is one that is self-important and self-centered, but it is also more likely than a quiet ego to be assertive, to rally against injustice, or to be creative. Similarly, an ego that’s too quiet all the time can lead to passiveness and submissiveness. The order of the day is flexibility, and for most of us it’s our quiet ego muscles that need flexing. To do that, practice non-defensive awareness (mindfulness) and adopt a growth-oriented mindset (which will mean taking in criticism and information that conflicts with your pre-existing views). Focus on being more open, compassionate, and humble. Be tolerant, loving, and forgiving. Practice patience, generosity, self-discipline, and self-reflection. Lastly, act from a place of authenticity – respond to situations based on your intrinsic motivators (your feelings, values, and intrinsic needs), not because you feel coerced or pressured by the “shoulds” and “oughts” of your environment.
Swap self-esteem for self-compassion
Interestingly, Chapter 9 of “Transcending Self-Interest” explores how self-compassion may be a better replacement for self-esteem. Both are associated with warm self-affect, self-acceptance, and positive self-regard, but self-compassion does not foster superiority-inferiority evaluations like self-esteem, which is based on a positive self-evaluation that often roots itself in separateness from others… needing to be unique, special, or above average. Self-compassion fosters kindness, non-judgmental understanding, and interpersonal connection. Where self-esteem is about comparisons, self-compassion is about recognizing our common humanity. It’s the openheartedness of the quiet ego turned inward. Instead of focusing on how you’re better than others, focus on self-kindness, mindfulness, and the unifying aspects of humanity. Instead of being self-critical, recognize that difficulties are inevitable and be gentle with yourself. We are all mortal and imperfect. Suffering and difficulty are not personal failures, they are shared human experiences. Approaching our individual identity through the lens of self-compassion rather than self-esteem is perhaps the healthiest way to be self centered.
IN SUM:
Is this book entirely secular? No. Some discussion of religion.
If I had to describe the book in one sentence? A textbook about noisy and quiet egos.
Who should read this book? Students and scholars interested in self-transcendence, identity, and ego.